ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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