I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
