There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
