i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
