I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
