I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize