Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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