Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
