I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
