my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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