The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dignity is for republicans.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
