At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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