I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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