Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
