My Higher Power is John Stamos
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
