My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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