All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
