the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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