Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
