My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
