she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
