my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
