do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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