just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
