Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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