You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i think im in europe. pls send help
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The Olympian is in my bed
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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