Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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