waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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