dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...