mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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