she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
