As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
