he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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