I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
