My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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