I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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