So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
