from now on my penis is your penis
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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