Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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