My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex