I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low