good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We need to rekindle our bromance
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
