I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
