Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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