You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
