I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
