im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
