It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
