remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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