i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
