So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
