the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
