then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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