dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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