If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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